Daily Shouts <https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts>
I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Plainview High Cheer Squad
By Emily Flake <https://www.newyorker.com/contributors/emily-flake>
September 6, 2018
Photograph by Image Source / Alamy
Cheer captain Jenna Kelly is a psycho hose beast and everybody knows it, but nobody's got the guts
to come out and say it to her face.
It's not just that she made Kayleigh Fielder cry outside the band room. Or that she hooked up with
Olivia DeSantis's boyfriend a week before junior prom. Or that she's been spreading rumors that Mrs.
Sullivan is doing coke in the teachers' lounge, even though Mrs. Sullivan is THE NICEST and would never.
The problem is that she doesn't even know how many of us hate her guts, and how many people there
are here at Plainview who are planning to take her down.
I should know. I'm one of them.
Look, I'm not some total dork loser who spends every night editing Wikipedia pages about my favorite
anime characters. I'm on the varsity squad /and/ the homecoming court. I got retweeted by /Bono/.
Plainview Panther Cheer Squad is special, and we'd like to keep it that way.
It's no secret why Jenna's so popular. She's super pretty and she can backflip all the way down the
whole field. She says she invented the whole vodka-tampon thing in eighth grade and that it's just a
coincidence somebody else came up with it before her without her knowledge. And her parents are
loaded and do not give a shiiiiit what she does with her time, so her parties are EPIC. I think her
mom bought her /molly/. But, still, you can't just bully Edie Dershowicz into transferring schools
sophomore year /once/ and think everyone's going to be afraid of you forever.
Look, nobody liked Edie, and I for one am glad she's gone. Edie and that girl who always brought a
wet sandwich for lunch added nothing to the high-school experience. But Jenna's gone totally off the
rails now that she's decided she hates Sophie Barnett.
Sophie's new and she's pretty and I /get/ it, but you can't be cheer captain and spend all your time
hating some new girl just because you caught your boyfriend checking out her ass. I don't think
Sophie's even said two words to Jenna, but Jenna's decided she's the bitch of the century.
Hanging out with Jenna isn't even /fun/ anymore. All she talks about is how Sophie's such a slut;
and did I see the stupid cat leggings she was wearing?; and how funny it was that nobody liked her
vacation Instas even though she went to Cancun. Jenna put glue in Sophie's locker padlock. She also
stole a frog from the bio lab and says she's going to put it in the trunk of Sophie's car. Who even
does that?? That's some weird goth-chick revenge move—pretty off-brand. And it looks bad for the
Panthers. Mrs. Gagnon said that our funding might be in jeopardy if Sophie's mom has to call the
school one more time. Jenna just laughed. She walks around like she thinks she can get away with it,
and we've all had it.
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Everybody wants to get her kicked off the team so bad, but her routines /did/ get us to state
semifinals, and the judges /are/ going to want to see her signature basket-toss double flip. If
we're going to get to finals, we have to focus, and try to keep Jenna from burning down Sophie's house.
In closing, I will say that I am basically Jenna's best friend. But this is bigger than Jenna, and
it's bigger than me. What's at stake here is nothing less than the fate of the Plainview Panthers.
Sent from my Linux system.