CAIRO—Speculating that Egyptians began stacking themselves into triangular structures far earlier than previously thought, professors at Cairo University announced Friday that they had unearthed skeletal remains of the first human pyramid. "While little is known about the third dynasty of Ancient Egypt, we now believe King Djoser ordered the construction of a massive, technically difficult human pyramid by over a dozen citizens expertly crouching on top of one another," said lead researcher Dr. Nour al-Busiri, adding that the nearly 5,000-year-old structure, which was found along the West Bank of the Nile river, featured the bones of servants at the bottom, family members in the middle, and finally, the deceased Pharaoh cheering wildly at the top. "While we have unearthed several human pyramids from the Old Kingdom under King Sneferu, we now believe Egyptians were likely experimenting with shoulder stands and basket tosses as early as 2780 B.C. Frankly, this incredible discovery totally reshapes the way we think of early Egyptians and the way they mourned for, and immortalized, the deceased." At press time, Dr. al-Busiri clarified that while conspiracy theorists were spreading vicious rumors, there was no evidence that extraterrestrials had any hand in the elaborate, multi-layered human cheer formations.
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